** Friday 8th febuary,
Tomorrow fairly early we are heading away for a few days. We wont share where we are going but we are having some time where we are safe. We need to do this for various reasons but mostly for now we are getting swamped with so many things we need to remind ourselves why we are doing this, we will return middle of next week, mon will know where we are****
We know the price of making a decision when coming from our background we know the price of doing so is sometimes so high it can sometimes mean for some it isnt worth it, but for us we know we have to do this. But the cost is starting to mount for us. This is a blog without any cryptic codes what we write is whats going on no need to read between the lines. It is a rare moment we are this candid in our life but we feel we need to for those who support us in many ways cant do that unless we share.
A week ago when we made the announcement we were leaving our husband of fifteen years we faced silence total and utter silence, silence from inside and silence from outside (the cult) . Almost as if all had gone into disbelief, after all you dont just get away it isnt allowed. For days mon would call us and we would say we are ok its all ok here i think she was as surprised as us, we cast our mind back to when Sam was captured and that same silence we remember really clearly and we remember how much we liked it. You see for us noise is so frequent from an internal world of alters and activities that when we drop the children off at school we come home to no tv on no radio no anything, when people call they say its quiet isnt it and we think if only that is the truth, for silence on the outside isnt the same inside, but we do know moments of silence and we relish them deeply. And when we get it for a few days we rejoice.
But it didnt last once again we travlled to therapy once again we were followed, this has been a usual occurance since sam was captured last year, we have got used to it now but it still at times makes us nervous. Then the messages started around the same time a few days ago messages given to littles who still are attune to what the cult want and pass them on, messages that we cant prove came from anywhere, in fact no one delievered them to the door but they are still real messages none the less, messages that warned leaving was not and will not be an option. Mon and us have been through this before in fact worse than this so for us it is normal for this to happen. It doesnt mean its right it means its normal for us in our life here. A life we are so desperately wishing to escape from.
Now we get to yesterday, Josie who had been researching something very quietly for some time finally made the appropriate call to the relevant people, who once hearing some of our story about leaving husband with five kids bond rent removalist costs etc etc decided to lend us some moeny interest free for it to occur. Now for those who have ever been in this place this rarely occurs, we called it god left us a calling card and it said miracles do happen to people like us. Within three minutes money was immediately in our account and we were sobbing to a complete stranger on the phone. But within an hour of hanging up the news was out, via a alter who tells the cult nearly everything.
The attack started, leading to almost 2 am when we were awoken although cannot remember actually falling asleep. What awoke us was a figure stroking our head and body, now when we say figure we mean we arent sure if it was human or spirit but whatever it was, was as real as i am typing here. We froze then suddenly almost like it knew we had awoken a sickly horrible nausea rose from our gut to our throat instantly at the same time we started to shiver unable to rise our body temperature and our head started throbbing, for forty minutes we lay there in pain unable at times to move and so so so sick. Finally we realised we had no choice and reached for the phone, now for those who know us we rarely if ever call mon in the middle of the night. Last year we could probably say we called her four times in the night out of the 555 times we should have called, she will often let us know her phones by her bed but we dont use that knowledge lightly but last night we had no choice. We were so seriously ill we werent even sure if we would survive.
So what was all this about well two things actually, somethign to do with deshanti that we wont talk about and the other to do with money. Whilst we were alseep a message had got to the littles that if they got our wallet and took it to them waiting outside then they would make sure the money we got to move with would be kept by them in safekeeping like a bank, now we dont know why the littles didnt do as was asked but we believe sitting here today that god interviened and that it wasnt going to be an option he was going to let them get away with. So by the time we woke someone had been sent into our house to make sure we did do as they asked, the problem was we had got too ill. An hour and half later mon finally got us to a place we were reasonably feeling ok but we had voimited and vomited and had gone through hell to get there, our husband was once again asleep on the couch not hearing a thing or ignoring it if he could and we think he could hear it because we were that ill.
Today we are washed out but more determined than ever, we realised early today that we maybe hadnt got enough money to move with and we called the poeple back, not only was the rest of the money deposited in our account but the reapyments dont have to happen until july when its tax time. We transferred money from our account into someone esles today who we trust so no one can come ask for the money because we dont have it. Now we have the means to get going but no hosue to get going to, we hope by sharing this with you guys those who pray might pray for us to have a house by next week or even tomorrow, for we are ready and able to go and we hope by reading this you can see why we need to leave.
the links
This is a crucial time for JIP and it is important to ask the intercessors to cover this time of transition in prayer. They know what God has told them and they are walking in obedience to his words. As they obey they release his blessing upon their lives. They have never been in this place before , so I guess that makes it rather scary. Without all the out side interference to try to stop them going. We appreciate all the support you are sending our way and ask that you check this site daily to keep updated with what is happening. Keep the encouraging words flowing, because she is one very courageous woman. May her life inspire you and her words encourage you to stand tall in your own life. You are better than you think.
Love Mon
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Im going to hell
A few people have asked how im coping with the news of the seperation, for those who dont know i am the one who married Tony, I am the one who have had five children to my husband and i am the one most devasted by this news.
Yesterday mon was hugging me holding me as tears once again feel down my face and all the wanted to do was pull away feeling that no one like me deserved anyones comfort. Leaving a marriage doesnt deserve anyones comfort it just deserves the anger and hatred of people around me. I didnt choose to leave my husband the system did one day they said enough is enough and that was it. The came to me and said im sorry Amelia but for all of our mental health it is best we go. ive been crying ever since. In my mind im thinking better for who, better for Josie and those like her who can now go and party and find a new person, better for Sa'de so she doesnt feel she has to murder him everyday because they fight all the time, better for Deshanti and them because she doesnt have to feel let down by him and then have to tell him how hes let her down, better for the teenagers now they can hang out with new people and sit at the beach all day getting a tan. Better for all of them inside maybe but not better for me.
I didnt mind him working late once i got over the hurt i would have a quiet cry and it would be fine for me the next day, i didnt mind him being late once we got there it was ok, i didnt mind if he didnt do anything around the house after all i dont do anything really anyway except look after kids i should be doing it. There are some things i cant do but if i save enough money i can get someone in who can. But no one seems to care about that, i tried to do everything but eventually the guys inside stopped helping becasue they felt they were always doing the work adn the real guy as they called tony wasnt doing anything, so i tried to explain but they wouldnt listen. Then i tried to do things myself but i am not as strong as the blokes in here and i couldnt lift anything so the wood has sat there for ages maybe i can try again today and then the system wont be so mad at Tony. I was just trying to get things done so those inside would get less mad all the time but it hastn worked and here i am about to be single mum to five children and in my eyes a shamed woman. I am glad we are moving because i dont have to look at people who know what a shameful thing has gone on in my marriage and no one need know that those inside decided to get out. The shame is unbearable and at times id rather be dead than live with this. Marraige is for life it says "till death us do part" it never said until im bored or ive had enough.
On top of that now i have to go to hell because ive disobeyed one of gods laws now ill never get to see him, im a disgrace in all eyes becasue of this but especially my own.
Also ive noticed a few people who were my freinds on the net have decided they arent anymore i guess its because the system ahve decided they arent our friends or vise versa. So the people id normally talk to arent around anymore which makes me upset because i havent done anything wrong but its always the way when the system decide they decide for al lof us whethr we have a say or not. So to those people who in my mind still are my freinds im sorry. On top of that i have been having bad memories since missing the flight in NSW and being stranded and having go find my bags alone becasue tony was running a little bit late. I wake up early in the morning covered in sweat and i can smell smells and feel like ive been on a plane all night my legs are cramped and im stiff. But i have other memories coming also of a temple somewhere and other things and this is beginning to make me even more upset becasue i cant remember things like that and i think maybe them leaving tony has done something to my brain, just want it all to go away and i want to have none of this happening. I want to say only one thing Tony is and always will be my husband and nothing wil lever change that no matter what the system decide, you only get married once and thats that and even if they divore him i will never fall in love again or get married because already im sinful let alone being so bad that if i have half a chance to seek gods forgiveness i will take it by keeping my marriage vows forever.
Amelia
Yesterday mon was hugging me holding me as tears once again feel down my face and all the wanted to do was pull away feeling that no one like me deserved anyones comfort. Leaving a marriage doesnt deserve anyones comfort it just deserves the anger and hatred of people around me. I didnt choose to leave my husband the system did one day they said enough is enough and that was it. The came to me and said im sorry Amelia but for all of our mental health it is best we go. ive been crying ever since. In my mind im thinking better for who, better for Josie and those like her who can now go and party and find a new person, better for Sa'de so she doesnt feel she has to murder him everyday because they fight all the time, better for Deshanti and them because she doesnt have to feel let down by him and then have to tell him how hes let her down, better for the teenagers now they can hang out with new people and sit at the beach all day getting a tan. Better for all of them inside maybe but not better for me.
I didnt mind him working late once i got over the hurt i would have a quiet cry and it would be fine for me the next day, i didnt mind him being late once we got there it was ok, i didnt mind if he didnt do anything around the house after all i dont do anything really anyway except look after kids i should be doing it. There are some things i cant do but if i save enough money i can get someone in who can. But no one seems to care about that, i tried to do everything but eventually the guys inside stopped helping becasue they felt they were always doing the work adn the real guy as they called tony wasnt doing anything, so i tried to explain but they wouldnt listen. Then i tried to do things myself but i am not as strong as the blokes in here and i couldnt lift anything so the wood has sat there for ages maybe i can try again today and then the system wont be so mad at Tony. I was just trying to get things done so those inside would get less mad all the time but it hastn worked and here i am about to be single mum to five children and in my eyes a shamed woman. I am glad we are moving because i dont have to look at people who know what a shameful thing has gone on in my marriage and no one need know that those inside decided to get out. The shame is unbearable and at times id rather be dead than live with this. Marraige is for life it says "till death us do part" it never said until im bored or ive had enough.
On top of that now i have to go to hell because ive disobeyed one of gods laws now ill never get to see him, im a disgrace in all eyes becasue of this but especially my own.
Also ive noticed a few people who were my freinds on the net have decided they arent anymore i guess its because the system ahve decided they arent our friends or vise versa. So the people id normally talk to arent around anymore which makes me upset because i havent done anything wrong but its always the way when the system decide they decide for al lof us whethr we have a say or not. So to those people who in my mind still are my freinds im sorry. On top of that i have been having bad memories since missing the flight in NSW and being stranded and having go find my bags alone becasue tony was running a little bit late. I wake up early in the morning covered in sweat and i can smell smells and feel like ive been on a plane all night my legs are cramped and im stiff. But i have other memories coming also of a temple somewhere and other things and this is beginning to make me even more upset becasue i cant remember things like that and i think maybe them leaving tony has done something to my brain, just want it all to go away and i want to have none of this happening. I want to say only one thing Tony is and always will be my husband and nothing wil lever change that no matter what the system decide, you only get married once and thats that and even if they divore him i will never fall in love again or get married because already im sinful let alone being so bad that if i have half a chance to seek gods forgiveness i will take it by keeping my marriage vows forever.
Amelia
Monday, February 04, 2008
6 secrets we normally wouldnt share out loud ... and back to therapy
We went to therapy today the first time in six weeks it was good to sit and let off steam and all the stress that we have been under. One of the things we needed to do was let Amelia out but all she did was cry mon managed to hug her but she said very little but cry its so sad to see her struggling like this, another issue is Deshanti, everytime shes out shes violently ill, she is the only alter whose like this so it isnt a body thing but a her thing. She tries to get out but gets so ill and cant stay out for long.
Today we were able to assertain that she had been left somewhere dehydrated and was having body memories, this was also a time when due to he extremeties she split. Today we met the part that split from her but this one is so disconnected from the world we think it will be a long time before she is able to be talked to, we arent sure if until she is Deshanti will get any better but we really need her right now. We can only continue with mon and through prayer get help for her as whats she is going through she is trying to sort out because she is hurting also and struggling becasue she cant be an on ground part of the links.
We have many reservations about moving, but we have so much support also. We have a wonderful person/people where we are going who are looking for a house for us and supporting us. They know a bit of our background and why we are leaving and they are seeing the houses we cant, we feel so reliant upon them and worry we are a burden to them, evne though we are being assured we arent but at the same time we couldnt be doing it without their support, when we move we will find a way to thank them for being so amazing to us. We have support in our therapist who is seeing the cost of us leaving but knows the cost of staying, we have support from all our blogging friends and 3d ones also. But we are also being reminded that there are other parties watching what we are doing parties who dont want us to move and who could make it hard for us to do so. We have with some good sugestions from people who have moved for safety have started to put in place things in case we go missing. This has been a recent threat and for now we take it as such and continue with our moves to move, we know we have no choice.
There are of course otehr things to go through our husband is staying here causing some problems for us as far as why hes staying and what we know but for now we cant deal with his choices but deal with our own and we know we are making choices that are good for us and obediant to god, the rest will have to sort itself out once we have moved.
We have been tagged by rising rainbows http://mycloudsandmystorms.blogspot.com/, this is one of three memes we have bene tagged for one being the one we were meant to do a month ago below and anotehr we need to get to. But this is a secret meme the idea is to tell six things about ourselves we normally wouldnt share out loud.
1. We have special teddys that sit on our bed, they are ones given to us by people we trust and love, if they dont sit on the bed we cant go to sleep at night. In our mind these stuffies and dolls keep the bed safe in the day so we can get in at night.
2. We sleep half in bed and half out. We draw a line of a sheet and doonah down one half of our body and sleep half in and half out.
3. We sleep with an eye mask on at night, we dont like moonlight or the breaking daylight as our eyes often get sore with sunlight and other light so we sleep with night mask on.
4. We dont go anywhere without our pet rock and pet turtle and a toy car all given by close friends and our comfort when we have nothing else.
5. we dislike recieving flowers of any sort except white lillies. We find flowers annoying and a waste of money we would much rather a piece of kitchenalia than a bunch of flowers.
6. We cant leave the house without all beds made, for us a bed made means the day starts and you unmake it to get in it. We feel dirty and uncomfortable with a unmade bed even seeing one in another persons house we have been known to sneak in and make it, because otherwise we cant settle and feel jittery and uncomfortable.
we tag
patches at http://patchworkgems.blogspot.com/
lyn at http://www.spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/
april at http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/
marja at http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/
Julies at http://www.multiplereflections.org/journal/
Today we were able to assertain that she had been left somewhere dehydrated and was having body memories, this was also a time when due to he extremeties she split. Today we met the part that split from her but this one is so disconnected from the world we think it will be a long time before she is able to be talked to, we arent sure if until she is Deshanti will get any better but we really need her right now. We can only continue with mon and through prayer get help for her as whats she is going through she is trying to sort out because she is hurting also and struggling becasue she cant be an on ground part of the links.
We have many reservations about moving, but we have so much support also. We have a wonderful person/people where we are going who are looking for a house for us and supporting us. They know a bit of our background and why we are leaving and they are seeing the houses we cant, we feel so reliant upon them and worry we are a burden to them, evne though we are being assured we arent but at the same time we couldnt be doing it without their support, when we move we will find a way to thank them for being so amazing to us. We have support in our therapist who is seeing the cost of us leaving but knows the cost of staying, we have support from all our blogging friends and 3d ones also. But we are also being reminded that there are other parties watching what we are doing parties who dont want us to move and who could make it hard for us to do so. We have with some good sugestions from people who have moved for safety have started to put in place things in case we go missing. This has been a recent threat and for now we take it as such and continue with our moves to move, we know we have no choice.
There are of course otehr things to go through our husband is staying here causing some problems for us as far as why hes staying and what we know but for now we cant deal with his choices but deal with our own and we know we are making choices that are good for us and obediant to god, the rest will have to sort itself out once we have moved.
We have been tagged by rising rainbows http://mycloudsandmystorms.blogspot.com/, this is one of three memes we have bene tagged for one being the one we were meant to do a month ago below and anotehr we need to get to. But this is a secret meme the idea is to tell six things about ourselves we normally wouldnt share out loud.
1. We have special teddys that sit on our bed, they are ones given to us by people we trust and love, if they dont sit on the bed we cant go to sleep at night. In our mind these stuffies and dolls keep the bed safe in the day so we can get in at night.
2. We sleep half in bed and half out. We draw a line of a sheet and doonah down one half of our body and sleep half in and half out.
3. We sleep with an eye mask on at night, we dont like moonlight or the breaking daylight as our eyes often get sore with sunlight and other light so we sleep with night mask on.
4. We dont go anywhere without our pet rock and pet turtle and a toy car all given by close friends and our comfort when we have nothing else.
5. we dislike recieving flowers of any sort except white lillies. We find flowers annoying and a waste of money we would much rather a piece of kitchenalia than a bunch of flowers.
6. We cant leave the house without all beds made, for us a bed made means the day starts and you unmake it to get in it. We feel dirty and uncomfortable with a unmade bed even seeing one in another persons house we have been known to sneak in and make it, because otherwise we cant settle and feel jittery and uncomfortable.
we tag
patches at http://patchworkgems.blogspot.com/
lyn at http://www.spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/
april at http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/
marja at http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/
Julies at http://www.multiplereflections.org/journal/
what we have learnt and 25 needs and 5 wants
What we have learnt over the last year of Therapy, this is why therapy is so important to our healing.
*we did not make them have to with no other option because we made them by turning them on rape us
* we are not a dog who deserves to eat under a table
* we are not going to have our eyes cut out if we cry
*we are not stupid
*we are not ugly
*we do not smell like dog shit
*we are not the worst person on earth to get along with
*we are not going to end up in a body bag at the side of a road and run over ten times so no one can identify us and if we are then this is the paper trail that should identify the body
*that we tell the truth and we arent making it al up or having a false memory syndrome moment, and that other people ahve bene through it also and know its the truth, and that our therapiust knows we are talking the truth
*that our tongue wont be cut out if we talk
*that our lips wont be sewn together if we talk
*that so far our neck hasnt bene snapped and crushed so we are dead if we talk
*that we can laugh and no one gets punished
*that our littles can have fun and thats ok to
*that we can make ourselves and others proud not because we perform right but because of who we are
*that we are worthwhile human beings
* that Jesus isnt going to come and hurt us an that he doesnt have sex with you
*that god likes holding us and doesnt see us as dirty
*that angels will protect us
*that church can accept people like us (depending on where you go)
*that christians mean it when they say they will pray
*that the bible isnt about abuse and hurt as we had been taught
*that communion is just grape juice and wafers and nothing else
*that being on our knees isnt just about soemthing filthy or something thats going to hurt
*that we are a child of god no matter how much we were given to devil
There you go there is the list
This is the blog we promised marja a month ago
25 needs 5 wants Tagged by we have lost count now but it seems we are the last remaining ones to do to this meme.
25 needs
1. clothes
2.our therapist
3.our passion pop
4.our friends
5.our mobile
6.our computer
7.our car
8.the holiday house
9.food
10.the beach
11.the pub with a live band
12.enormous barbecues with many people around
13.a hug once a week (thats usually all we get and its from our Therapist)
14.a future we can see
15.no more alters thinking of self harming16.to finish healing
17.to have five minutes without hearing the word mum in the same sentence
18.to stop making ourselves suffer from what sam did
19.to pray more
20.to find and keep our bible without an alter hiding it and finding it months later
21.to get to church more
22.to laugh more
23.to cry more
24.to scream out our pain more
25.to believe in us more.
5 wants
1. a partner who gets DID who loves us whether we are or not and who will support us in all our life ventures.
2. to travel to Germany and the states to see friends
3. to live one day without thinking of killing ourself
4.lots of money to buy the holiday house
5.to live at the beach forever.
*we did not make them have to with no other option because we made them by turning them on rape us
* we are not a dog who deserves to eat under a table
* we are not going to have our eyes cut out if we cry
*we are not stupid
*we are not ugly
*we do not smell like dog shit
*we are not the worst person on earth to get along with
*we are not going to end up in a body bag at the side of a road and run over ten times so no one can identify us and if we are then this is the paper trail that should identify the body
*that we tell the truth and we arent making it al up or having a false memory syndrome moment, and that other people ahve bene through it also and know its the truth, and that our therapiust knows we are talking the truth
*that our tongue wont be cut out if we talk
*that our lips wont be sewn together if we talk
*that so far our neck hasnt bene snapped and crushed so we are dead if we talk
*that we can laugh and no one gets punished
*that our littles can have fun and thats ok to
*that we can make ourselves and others proud not because we perform right but because of who we are
*that we are worthwhile human beings
* that Jesus isnt going to come and hurt us an that he doesnt have sex with you
*that god likes holding us and doesnt see us as dirty
*that angels will protect us
*that church can accept people like us (depending on where you go)
*that christians mean it when they say they will pray
*that the bible isnt about abuse and hurt as we had been taught
*that communion is just grape juice and wafers and nothing else
*that being on our knees isnt just about soemthing filthy or something thats going to hurt
*that we are a child of god no matter how much we were given to devil
There you go there is the list
This is the blog we promised marja a month ago
25 needs 5 wants Tagged by we have lost count now but it seems we are the last remaining ones to do to this meme.
25 needs
1. clothes
2.our therapist
3.our passion pop
4.our friends
5.our mobile
6.our computer
7.our car
8.the holiday house
9.food
10.the beach
11.the pub with a live band
12.enormous barbecues with many people around
13.a hug once a week (thats usually all we get and its from our Therapist)
14.a future we can see
15.no more alters thinking of self harming16.to finish healing
17.to have five minutes without hearing the word mum in the same sentence
18.to stop making ourselves suffer from what sam did
19.to pray more
20.to find and keep our bible without an alter hiding it and finding it months later
21.to get to church more
22.to laugh more
23.to cry more
24.to scream out our pain more
25.to believe in us more.
5 wants
1. a partner who gets DID who loves us whether we are or not and who will support us in all our life ventures.
2. to travel to Germany and the states to see friends
3. to live one day without thinking of killing ourself
4.lots of money to buy the holiday house
5.to live at the beach forever.
Remember This Is A Good Decision
Right now is a very difficult time for JIP, there are so many things kicking in internally. The fact that Tony implied it was not his decision, it was their mother's, tends to cause them to carry blame, for making a good choice. There is so much programming and conditioning to overcome to be able to handle this. Particularly because there are for them so many unknowns. Being secure is of uttmost importance right now and there are so many old fears resurrected. If something is not working and you have tried for years to fix it, you have run out of excuses, that no longer sound convincing even to your selves because the truth is staring you in your face. When hope dies of ever seeing that person hear your heart and change. When your self esteem seems so low that it looks like the guage isnt working to measure it by. That the word happy seems to have been erased out of your volcabulary. That appreciation of what you do comes from the smiles of your children as they taste your cooking, have clean clothes to wear, get into a clean bed. But your partner spends his time studying the back of his eyeballs because he is so tired staying at work all hours God sends. You are the most amazing mother, friend, financial planner, cook, cleaner, maintenace crew, painter, writer, shopper, Mrs fix it, that I know. You do not need to apoligise to anyone for saying enough is enough. Even God had his bottom line. So do not feel guilty for finding yourself saying, enough is enough. You are very very courageous. Mon
Sunday, February 03, 2008
telling the children isnt easy
Last night Tony and us got around the table and told the children, it went pretty much like this. We gently say to the five kids mum and dad are having lots and lots of problems and because of that mum and dad are going to live at two different houses. That sometimes adults dont get along but that isnt the childrens fault, that they will be staying with mum because of dads work and we wil lbe living down the beach somewhere. I look at tony for support and reiteration that it isnt their fault ,nothing he says nothing, the kids burst into tears and we are left trying to find words of comfort.
One of them pipes up with well why arent you getting along. And i again just say sometimes so many things go on that it gets broken and cant get fixed and just like some things that get broken so do marraiges. I say maybe your dad can say a bit more he says i dont know why we ae seperating so i cant answer your questions kids. We sit there dumbstruck, suddenly the eldest son looks at me as their dad is now crying and we arent. He looks at me and spits well dad cares hes crying you dont even care, you even seem happy. We answered with J we are not happy this is going to make you sad but we are happy we dont have to be so sad naymore. He then said you dont seem sad and we said thats becasue you are child and my job as a parent is to make sure you get to be a kid and i be the adult, not so you know i am unhappy but you go to school and learn and have fun, mums problems she talks to other adults about not children.
R and M are bawling at this stsage, tony is bawling and we are trying to think of anything to say. He takes them aside and we hear him saying i dont know why mum is doing this, she gets mad at things i do but who knows why shes doing this. You can take what you want knowing mum she wil lanyway, but i dont know maybe in a few years time she will come back to me. We are devasted our system is devasted.
For the last 6 years we have looked after the children single handedly, including having five children under five alone, we have fed them bandaged them sat in hospital with them, had the news alone that one of our sons might die as he was so sick and to call a priest, no one was ther to comfort us except a nurse, we learnt of M brain disorder alone, we spent time in hospital apart from visits alone, when we told our husband about her need to go to the hospital for tests he was annoyed because he had work to do. We have dealt with the twins autsim and aspergers alone. We have recently had to discipline our son alone, attend parent teacher interviews alone, and we took our youngest son to school on his first day alone, every other father was there except for the single mums. We sign forms alone, we buy houses alone, we are alone. And before our eyes we are being talked about as though we have done all this and we are the baddie.
Later we took our kids aside and our seven year old said, its your fault mum dad said he didnt know what hed done wrong. We talked to each one of the older children individually and at their level, we told them we understood their pain and we would do anything we could to ease that, that if they ever wanted to talk to anyone but mum and dad then to ask to use the phone we would dial the number and they can talk and we wouldnt listen. That they can come to see mon with us if they wantd comfort or talking face to face. That we would do anything they needed to get through this pain. We gave them hugs and held and comforted them, but some of the damage had been done it was obvious in their minds mum had done this it was her fault.
Mon rang and spent some time calming down a distraught system, we have been blamed all our life and this was wrong, they knew that mon knew that, this triggered some inside and today is just sadness and devastation. Last night we saw the same shit on the hill of them waiting or calling us and bullshit was going on in our house and we went thank fucking goodness we are going to get ourselves and our kids safe. Already we have been told we wont leave here in the same way we arrived we know we are doing right, maybe one day the kids will see this and stop blaming us. ANd maybe one day our anger at our ex husband will subside but as a protector i very much doubt it when hes done that much damage to our system.
One of them pipes up with well why arent you getting along. And i again just say sometimes so many things go on that it gets broken and cant get fixed and just like some things that get broken so do marraiges. I say maybe your dad can say a bit more he says i dont know why we ae seperating so i cant answer your questions kids. We sit there dumbstruck, suddenly the eldest son looks at me as their dad is now crying and we arent. He looks at me and spits well dad cares hes crying you dont even care, you even seem happy. We answered with J we are not happy this is going to make you sad but we are happy we dont have to be so sad naymore. He then said you dont seem sad and we said thats becasue you are child and my job as a parent is to make sure you get to be a kid and i be the adult, not so you know i am unhappy but you go to school and learn and have fun, mums problems she talks to other adults about not children.
R and M are bawling at this stsage, tony is bawling and we are trying to think of anything to say. He takes them aside and we hear him saying i dont know why mum is doing this, she gets mad at things i do but who knows why shes doing this. You can take what you want knowing mum she wil lanyway, but i dont know maybe in a few years time she will come back to me. We are devasted our system is devasted.
For the last 6 years we have looked after the children single handedly, including having five children under five alone, we have fed them bandaged them sat in hospital with them, had the news alone that one of our sons might die as he was so sick and to call a priest, no one was ther to comfort us except a nurse, we learnt of M brain disorder alone, we spent time in hospital apart from visits alone, when we told our husband about her need to go to the hospital for tests he was annoyed because he had work to do. We have dealt with the twins autsim and aspergers alone. We have recently had to discipline our son alone, attend parent teacher interviews alone, and we took our youngest son to school on his first day alone, every other father was there except for the single mums. We sign forms alone, we buy houses alone, we are alone. And before our eyes we are being talked about as though we have done all this and we are the baddie.
Later we took our kids aside and our seven year old said, its your fault mum dad said he didnt know what hed done wrong. We talked to each one of the older children individually and at their level, we told them we understood their pain and we would do anything we could to ease that, that if they ever wanted to talk to anyone but mum and dad then to ask to use the phone we would dial the number and they can talk and we wouldnt listen. That they can come to see mon with us if they wantd comfort or talking face to face. That we would do anything they needed to get through this pain. We gave them hugs and held and comforted them, but some of the damage had been done it was obvious in their minds mum had done this it was her fault.
Mon rang and spent some time calming down a distraught system, we have been blamed all our life and this was wrong, they knew that mon knew that, this triggered some inside and today is just sadness and devastation. Last night we saw the same shit on the hill of them waiting or calling us and bullshit was going on in our house and we went thank fucking goodness we are going to get ourselves and our kids safe. Already we have been told we wont leave here in the same way we arrived we know we are doing right, maybe one day the kids will see this and stop blaming us. ANd maybe one day our anger at our ex husband will subside but as a protector i very much doubt it when hes done that much damage to our system.
Any other ideas from anyone regarding helping kids when a ex has done this we would appreciate
Sa'de
Sa'de
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