This poem was written a long time ago and it even more applies today than when it was written hope you guys enjoy it. Its written about different parts and their wishes.
One wish
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to fly around the world,
and leap from tree to tree.
If we could just have one wish,
what would it be,
to eat cupcakes and lollypops,
staring at the sea.
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to ride a day in dodgem cars,
a day just for me.
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to dye my hair yellow,
and bright tangerine.
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to eat toffee apples a whole box,
that Josie bought for me.
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to own a toys r us store,
and give kids lots of treats.
If we could have one wish,
what would it be,
to have these things and so much more,
to each and every one of us,
that live inside of me.
Capri with lots of help ;)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
the sister ***some parts of this use caution***
Hmmm where do i start. Two days ago my sister contacted us, now for those that dont know we have one adoptive sister she grew up with us, she suffered the same tormet and torture we did and chooses to play her life out in a different place we do. A year ago was the last time we heard from her, we had just moved and she was pregnant with number four to a different father having just left her husband in search of a younger man, she got what she desired and fell pregnant. That was the last we heard of her until two days ago.
Suddenly for no reason at all she called us, she had had the baby a boy and had settled nicely into another part of the country, moving to be with her new partner whom we had never met and was now 5 hours away by plane. In that time she had got her divorce and was engaged to this new guy.
We caught up, her telling us about her new home and us about our new life. All the time never far from my mind was why are you contacting us now. Id thought of her a few times and then thought well whats the point if we are meant to know each other we will if not it wont happen. The conversation was normal but the history of what had gone through wasnt. Slowly the convo got around to dad, had we seen him etc etc. Answering no not really but we know hes ok she said a few choice words and we went fast off the subject. My sister has never hidden her hatred of dad and so it was only normal she would say those things and move on.
But theres a different picture for both of us, in our family growing up there were two dividing forces mum and my sister and us and dad. Always dads favourite we got treated like princesses but the cost was high, rewards only offered after doing as the master commands and yielding to his will. After wards mum often punished us for the treats he gave us with more punishment and so the circle continued, satisfy the father be punished by the mother. Our sister on the other hand recieved the opposite, she was mums princess but in order to be so she was also at dads beck and call except in her case she got punished by him and rewarded by mum. Over time my sister and i hated each other doing only as we had been taught we walked a tightrope of who can get each other into trouble the fastest, with mum on her side we always came out second best.
At first our sister would sit there and laugh at the punishment mum offered out, so many i cant remember because i wasnt there for as new ones were created. Eventually she had contidioned our sister to the point whre they could plot the punishment together and laugh as it was petered out. After mum had done what she wanted she set our sister in charge of making sure we were as uncomfortable as possible, even though she did as was asked her eyes never reflected what she was happy with. She too was caught in a bind she couldnt get out of.
And so the pattern continued we went to meetings together, and we were pitted against each other. At school we were rebellious and angry she was quiet and shy, teachers often commented that we didnt live in the same family. My sister would hear in school our name called to office and she would roll her eyes and say what now, we saw each other in hallways and never spoke never acknowledged each other, sometimes even going so far as to look the other way. But somewhere along the line we made a pact, i think i was 13 or our most horrible years not just because we were a teen but because of abuse escalated, we made a pact and it went like this, i wont dob that you steal the neighbours grog and get pissed and we wont dob that you have your boyfriend over each night when mums at work. From the moment we made the pact we had a silent agrrement, we will do our best to know each other but when push comes to shove its each for their own.
At thirteen for us and fifteen for her, our sister left home, she moved out and privately at school one day she said in a corner and in a whisper im sorry, i know youve been left with them and they might k*ll you but i cant do it anymore. We just looked and said it would be far better off being d*ad wouldnt it, she nodded and said yes. Yes we were left alone and after that the treatment of us got so far worse, a year and half later their torture of us was so obvious that the school found us other accomodation and we moved in with our sister.
This was never going to work, she was having an affair with the social worker who was meant to be looking after the house as it was a youth house (she eventually married and consequently this last year divorced him) we were free to taste the real life, except our taste nearly destroyed us.
We went on to forge a new life and so did she. Both of us as miserable as each other. And now twenty years later we have had contact, but in reality what can you say to each other, she cant really say sorry she just survived in a place that she had to and so did we. But our pact remained that one pact, she never betrayed it even though she could have and i never betrayed her even though i could have. Together we still have just one common bond survival, she is like us a multiple and that makes it hard. Her littles should by rights know ours and visa versa, teens the same, but still we sit in silence waiting for impending doom that both of us have tried to escape from all of our lives. I miss my sister, for the bits i know and have seen and have been around a long time i know her quite well, but we are both ultimately trapped, and thats hard.
Capri
Suddenly for no reason at all she called us, she had had the baby a boy and had settled nicely into another part of the country, moving to be with her new partner whom we had never met and was now 5 hours away by plane. In that time she had got her divorce and was engaged to this new guy.
We caught up, her telling us about her new home and us about our new life. All the time never far from my mind was why are you contacting us now. Id thought of her a few times and then thought well whats the point if we are meant to know each other we will if not it wont happen. The conversation was normal but the history of what had gone through wasnt. Slowly the convo got around to dad, had we seen him etc etc. Answering no not really but we know hes ok she said a few choice words and we went fast off the subject. My sister has never hidden her hatred of dad and so it was only normal she would say those things and move on.
But theres a different picture for both of us, in our family growing up there were two dividing forces mum and my sister and us and dad. Always dads favourite we got treated like princesses but the cost was high, rewards only offered after doing as the master commands and yielding to his will. After wards mum often punished us for the treats he gave us with more punishment and so the circle continued, satisfy the father be punished by the mother. Our sister on the other hand recieved the opposite, she was mums princess but in order to be so she was also at dads beck and call except in her case she got punished by him and rewarded by mum. Over time my sister and i hated each other doing only as we had been taught we walked a tightrope of who can get each other into trouble the fastest, with mum on her side we always came out second best.
At first our sister would sit there and laugh at the punishment mum offered out, so many i cant remember because i wasnt there for as new ones were created. Eventually she had contidioned our sister to the point whre they could plot the punishment together and laugh as it was petered out. After mum had done what she wanted she set our sister in charge of making sure we were as uncomfortable as possible, even though she did as was asked her eyes never reflected what she was happy with. She too was caught in a bind she couldnt get out of.
And so the pattern continued we went to meetings together, and we were pitted against each other. At school we were rebellious and angry she was quiet and shy, teachers often commented that we didnt live in the same family. My sister would hear in school our name called to office and she would roll her eyes and say what now, we saw each other in hallways and never spoke never acknowledged each other, sometimes even going so far as to look the other way. But somewhere along the line we made a pact, i think i was 13 or our most horrible years not just because we were a teen but because of abuse escalated, we made a pact and it went like this, i wont dob that you steal the neighbours grog and get pissed and we wont dob that you have your boyfriend over each night when mums at work. From the moment we made the pact we had a silent agrrement, we will do our best to know each other but when push comes to shove its each for their own.
At thirteen for us and fifteen for her, our sister left home, she moved out and privately at school one day she said in a corner and in a whisper im sorry, i know youve been left with them and they might k*ll you but i cant do it anymore. We just looked and said it would be far better off being d*ad wouldnt it, she nodded and said yes. Yes we were left alone and after that the treatment of us got so far worse, a year and half later their torture of us was so obvious that the school found us other accomodation and we moved in with our sister.
This was never going to work, she was having an affair with the social worker who was meant to be looking after the house as it was a youth house (she eventually married and consequently this last year divorced him) we were free to taste the real life, except our taste nearly destroyed us.
We went on to forge a new life and so did she. Both of us as miserable as each other. And now twenty years later we have had contact, but in reality what can you say to each other, she cant really say sorry she just survived in a place that she had to and so did we. But our pact remained that one pact, she never betrayed it even though she could have and i never betrayed her even though i could have. Together we still have just one common bond survival, she is like us a multiple and that makes it hard. Her littles should by rights know ours and visa versa, teens the same, but still we sit in silence waiting for impending doom that both of us have tried to escape from all of our lives. I miss my sister, for the bits i know and have seen and have been around a long time i know her quite well, but we are both ultimately trapped, and thats hard.
Capri
Monday, June 19, 2006
some things to think about
yesterday we celebrated our first year anniversary of moving to the new house. A miriad of friends arrived and good fun was had by all, the previous night M and her husband R came to visit us, they had driven the hour or more to get ot the party and were staying overnight in a hotel down the road. So they stopped in for a cuppa and cake. Now this was to be the firs time we had met R and only the second time that M had visisted our home.
I have to admit its a nerve racking experience not because of anything but inviting your T into your home is slightly unusual. After the initial what the h*ll do we say and no one is allowed out LOL except me, it was going really well. We were laughing about their numerous boating experiences and let me tell you, they dont drive a boat very well and overall it is quite amazing they are still alive considering the things they have done, from capsizing through to nearly taking the entire tree foundations of the river home with them. They were just warming up with their stories and Josie was for the first time in days since her last blog laughing from the pit of her guts, when M's phone rang.
It was terrrible news someone close to their daughters husband had just committed s*ic*de, not only was the call a tragic one but it was her daughter telling her.
Instantly an eerie silence fell as we tried to think of what the h8ll to do and say, seeing our T visibly shaken was hard. Here was a strong capable caring woman who had always been there for us, suddenly shaking and looking like she might cry. I stared uncertain on what to do, this was out of our comfort zone and quite bewildering. But as i was thinking about it afterwards it was only because shes our T who should have all the answers and suddenly we were inthe position of seeing her with no answers to this terrible outcome. But it was more than that she needed friendship and suddenly we had to make an instant decision, do we stay on our end of the table far away from her or do we embrace her as we would any friend who needed a hug.
Thanfully josie made the decision for me rising she said would you like a hug M and she said oh yes please. As they hugged each other i thought what was i thinking why is it so different to offer her a hug when we would do it for any other person we know. And i know it is different but only because we have always placed a distance between our T and our family and home, yet it was us that invited them up here and us who opened our doors. M is no less human than anyone else and for some reason she had always remained in our mind as different, suddenly we saw her as no different at all and the reassesment process was taking place.
As i stood outside with her i said, if you need to go home please be with your family, and she said i know this is the last thing you guys need to hear today, and ive said umm stuff what we are going through you are hurting and your family need you. Adn she said but some clients have also becoem like family to me and i answered yes well some might have but they arent M, they never will be family, not really. That was your family at the other end of the phone never lose focus on that. Interesting here i was telling off my T and even giving her advice :O. After we had talked about that for a few minutes and she kept saying the same thing and so was i we moved inside and the evening went fast.
Afterwards i read a card she had just given me and yes you got it inside was some clients are like family for me and you guys have becoem that and ive gone oh shit i should have read the card before we had that convo outside, but then i thought why would it have changed my stand point no it wouldnt.
Its strange to be welcomed into a family and quite wierd when its your Therapists and for now im not sure how we stand on that and after much thinking i still dont have answer, except its touching. the next day we got a call saying they were comign to the party and basically they had a ball, but it was only after we checked to see that their daughter really didnt need them there. M saw us outside T and yes josie in her best of bestest forms, and josies friends in equally their best form. Overall it was a good day and in general if nothing else has gioven us a lot to think about.
I have to admit its a nerve racking experience not because of anything but inviting your T into your home is slightly unusual. After the initial what the h*ll do we say and no one is allowed out LOL except me, it was going really well. We were laughing about their numerous boating experiences and let me tell you, they dont drive a boat very well and overall it is quite amazing they are still alive considering the things they have done, from capsizing through to nearly taking the entire tree foundations of the river home with them. They were just warming up with their stories and Josie was for the first time in days since her last blog laughing from the pit of her guts, when M's phone rang.
It was terrrible news someone close to their daughters husband had just committed s*ic*de, not only was the call a tragic one but it was her daughter telling her.
Instantly an eerie silence fell as we tried to think of what the h8ll to do and say, seeing our T visibly shaken was hard. Here was a strong capable caring woman who had always been there for us, suddenly shaking and looking like she might cry. I stared uncertain on what to do, this was out of our comfort zone and quite bewildering. But as i was thinking about it afterwards it was only because shes our T who should have all the answers and suddenly we were inthe position of seeing her with no answers to this terrible outcome. But it was more than that she needed friendship and suddenly we had to make an instant decision, do we stay on our end of the table far away from her or do we embrace her as we would any friend who needed a hug.
Thanfully josie made the decision for me rising she said would you like a hug M and she said oh yes please. As they hugged each other i thought what was i thinking why is it so different to offer her a hug when we would do it for any other person we know. And i know it is different but only because we have always placed a distance between our T and our family and home, yet it was us that invited them up here and us who opened our doors. M is no less human than anyone else and for some reason she had always remained in our mind as different, suddenly we saw her as no different at all and the reassesment process was taking place.
As i stood outside with her i said, if you need to go home please be with your family, and she said i know this is the last thing you guys need to hear today, and ive said umm stuff what we are going through you are hurting and your family need you. Adn she said but some clients have also becoem like family to me and i answered yes well some might have but they arent M, they never will be family, not really. That was your family at the other end of the phone never lose focus on that. Interesting here i was telling off my T and even giving her advice :O. After we had talked about that for a few minutes and she kept saying the same thing and so was i we moved inside and the evening went fast.
Afterwards i read a card she had just given me and yes you got it inside was some clients are like family for me and you guys have becoem that and ive gone oh shit i should have read the card before we had that convo outside, but then i thought why would it have changed my stand point no it wouldnt.
Its strange to be welcomed into a family and quite wierd when its your Therapists and for now im not sure how we stand on that and after much thinking i still dont have answer, except its touching. the next day we got a call saying they were comign to the party and basically they had a ball, but it was only after we checked to see that their daughter really didnt need them there. M saw us outside T and yes josie in her best of bestest forms, and josies friends in equally their best form. Overall it was a good day and in general if nothing else has gioven us a lot to think about.
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